Become the most obnoxious person on Facebook.
Facebook is kind of like a disgraced prom queen these days. I’m not saying the popularity of Facebook has diminished. In fact, there are thousands of people who join up every day. I’m saying it just isn’t as magnificent as we all used to think it was.
Does this lackluster status mean I don’t still check facebook? Nope. In fact, I kind of feel facebook is a train wreck—totally gruesome, but I just can’t pry my eyes off it. However, this guilty pleasure isn’t always so pleasurable. In fact, I have some “friends” on Facebook who I would like to repeatedly “poke”—with a sharp object.
These uber annoying people have led me to create an easy-to-use manual for anyone hoping to find themselves in the same “you are the most obnoxious person I have ever met” category.
Here you have it. Fifteen simple steps to make everyone on Facebook talk smack behind your back and mock you mercilessly—that is, if they haven’t already unfriended you.
Post and/or Share a Zillion Worthless Photos
Proceed down the list, making sure you include as many of the following types of pictures:
1. Cheesy, Inspirational Images That Inspire No One
Everyone deals with a bad day differently. If the case of beer didn’t do the trick, obviously your uplifting words of wisdom will definitely save the day.
2. Images that Threaten to Breakup a Family
The only way—and I mean only way—a family member will know you care about them is if you tell them on Facebook. And if you don’t inform them via social media, you could very well ruin the family dynamics.
3. Photos of Food You Just Made or Ate
Drive all your friends wild with pictures of food they can not eat. Seriously, this is a great idea. This creative sharing is especially enjoyed by those who are on a diet. Or who live in a third world country.
4. Images that Test My Manhood
Share educational, controversial or monumental images and then add a stipulation—you aren’t cool/brave/worthy of my time if you don’t share this too. Obviously, I’m a totally loser if I don’t agree with your every opinion.
5. Contests Where There Really Will Be a Winner
You absolutely have a chance to win that awesome prize. No one is taking advantage of you or duping you. And we all really appreciate the opportunity to be a winner just like you.
6. Self Portraits
Selfies can be enhanced three ways. First, take a photo of yourself in the mirror. Seeing the back of your phone reflected in the mirror, accompanied by the flash of the camera, really adds a special something to the portrait. Second, be provocative and a bit revealing. This is especially appropriate for your PG fans. Lastly, to really make your friends appreciate you, upload these shots and/or change your profile picture as often as possible. Seriously. Hijack people’s newsfeeds with your amazing self. Everyone will be glad you did.
Use your Status to Appeal to the Masses
There are a variety of ways you can use your facebook status to communicate with people. When you need inspiration, turn to one of these trusted methods of communication.
7. Be a TMI Parent
Since you love your little tot, why not share the love with everyone else? I’m sure they enjoy your child’s milestones as much as you do. And, sharing 45 different achievements in one day is especially magical.
8. Share Touchy, Feely Emotions That Make Readers Gag
Facebook readers really love it when couples have full-blown conversations via facebook status. This strategy is even more effective if the conversation is mushy and we all know you are sitting beside each other on the sofa. Post private or sensitive thoughts in a public forum—it is totally appropriate.
9. Be Boring, Mundane, or Totally Inappropriate
We want to know everything you do. Don’t hold anything back. If readers don’t respond to this…
…this should work.
10. Be Passive Aggressive
The Urban Dictionary has concocted a very helpful term: vaguebooking. It is defined as an internationally vague Facebook status update that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help. Include as many of these as possible.
11. Be Unoriginal
If all else fails, hijack someone else’s status. Do this over and over. You probably know people far superior to the rest of your friends. If your friends haven’t caught on to the need to friend that person, you—luckily—are there to share those witty words with people who might have otherwise missed them.
Use Other Facebook Features in Ways They Weren’t Intended
Sadly, if you have made it to this point it means all your other efforts have failed. Luckily, you have a few more chances.
12. Conduct Unsolicited Check-Ins
Maybe your friend just didn’t think to do her own check in. She is so fortunate to have you help tell her boss she was at the bar at 3am the night before a big presentation.
13. Use your Personal Account for Marketing Purposes
Facebook isn’t for connecting with loved ones and communicating in an open forum. It is for selling products at every available opportunity.
14. Engage in Phantom Tagging
That is a super buff stripper. Naturally, the 47 women who weren’t there to see it will appreciate it when you tag them in the photo. Then, that lovely image can appear on their timeline too. How thoughtful!
15. Be Joined at the Hip
Facebook is just another wonderful opportunity to tell the world how in love you are with your spouse. There is absolutely no need for individuality when it comes to your relationship.
Well, there you have it; 15 simple steps to alienate all your Facebook friends. I’m sure you have never used any of these strategies before. Fortunately, you can implement them with much haste. Your audience awaits.
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Feature image credit: owenwbrown/Flickr; other images courtesy of the author