Ya Know What I Think?

Steve Coruzzi, with a list about the thing he knows the most about. Himself. 

Don’t you just hate it when people post or blog their unsolicited views? I’m not sure how much I really care what you think about the Middle East or the pros and cons of Dalmatian ownership. And I don’t remember asking. Yet I find myself compelled to read them. Facebook memes promoting/denouncing gay marriage; tweets about the government spying on us; news site comments that follow articles on immigration—I just have to read them. I get a kind of cheap thrill out of others revealing their intolerance and stupidity. Now and then I might find an intelligent snippet but for the most part all I see is bigotry, anger, conceit, and downright ignorance.

I find when I read these literary morsels, a kind of supernatural beast cries out from within myself to be released; a kind of Sarcastic Superhero answering the call of the “Twat Signal”—like Batman but with more cursing and less pleather. (Side note: my British wife insists one pronounces “twat” so it rhymes with “bat”—-so my little pun does work….).

Unfortunately, I think said wife is getting tired of hearing my rants (sudden desires to be upstairs, large gulps of wine, “Shut the flying f*** up!”…you know the nuanced cues only a husband could pick up on). So now it is you, dear reader, who will be subjected to the business end of my rapier quill (and by that I mean my tiny laptop keyboard with a stick-k-k-k-y “K”).

Wallowing in my own hypocrisy, here some of my own “unsolicited views”. And for your protection, I’ve compiled them into society’s favorite conveyance of information—the list (we all love lists, don’t we? I blame Letterman.)

1. My wife is the funniest and sexiest person I’ve ever met. (Not really controversial, just trying to grease the wheels in the romance department).
2. Sarcasm is the lube of social intercourse. Satire makes the world go round. If you have delicate sensibilities that are easily offended, you should probably stop reading now.
3. We as a society celebrate and reward ignorance, greed, and stupidity and yet we wonder why we reap the same.
4. To say I’m not a fan of religion is an understatement. I’m technically an atheist, but I prefer the term “Non-hostile Irreligist” – I don’t believe in god or subscribe to organized religion but I’m not all anarchist-y about it.
5. Our definitions of manliness are completely out of whack! I’m sorry but I don’t like football. I don’t sit in the break room with my male co-workers “wink-wink-nudge-nudge-ing” over what I would to do to the hot bookkeeper (who clearly has daddy issues by the way!). I’m not an emotionally unavailable dark, brooding troglodyte, unable to express emotion except through my gravelly-voiced “I’ve-been-hurt-before-and-you’re-better-off-without-the-likes-of-me” self-loathing utterances. I enjoy eating healthy. I’m not afraid of catching “gay” and I don’t gawk at other women (all right I do, but I feel really bad about it afterwards). The enlightened man inside me enjoys chick-flicks.  Every Christmas Night my wife and I watch “Love Actually” and I actually love it. Bridget Jones is an annoying twat, however. (Ok, maybe I’m not so enlightened. I hope The Good Men Project is still around in a few years for my son).
6. I try not to hate. HOWEVER! I hate foodies, dance moms, bachelors/bachelorettes, bride-zillas, survivors, idols (“Pop” or “American”), real world-ers, Kardashians, and any other douche canoes who have film crews following them while they repossess, exterminate, pawn, party, procreate, or just generally act like lobotomized lab monkeys (See #3).
7. While I believe in “Question Everything” that does not mean creating a conspiracy theory for every single thing that happens day in and day out.  If you think our government is trying to mislead or kill you …MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY! PLEASE! NOW!  Go on…I’ll wait….
8. I respect and admire anyone who puts themselves in harm’s way to protect the rest of us, uniformed or not.  That doesn’t mean there aren’t crack heads to be found everywhere.
9. If your mind isn’t open then neither is your heart.
10. I am all for living better. I, however, do not need my Facebook timeline inundated with pictures of smarmy, thin, ponytailed blondes sitting in the lotus position on the beach at sunset telling me how to RELAX!
11. Intelligence is attractive.  Funny is sexy.  If you have both of those, a nice rack and a British accent then you’re my wife. (Continuing the romantic wheel greasing…).
12. ALL of us were immigrants at some point and where you are born is completely random, so have some compassion. Having said that, if you’re in the US illegally neither you nor your family should get any benefits. But you should have the opportunity to get legal. And we speak English here. I know, I know…we ugly Americans expect everyone else in the world to speak English (which is wrong) but in the case of the United States, the onus is on you to learn English. Gracias. Merci. Danke. Xièxiè.
13. I have no problem if you want to own a handgun. But no one needs an assault rifle unless you’re a Marine in Fallujah or possibly me when I have to go to the mall.
14. We are not all created equal, but we all have the right to exist free from hate, persecution, and violence.
15. I don’t understand our obsession with zombies and torture porn.  As if regular life isn’t scary enough with psychopaths randomly killing little kids in school that we have to create new ways to terrify and mutilate ourselves.
16. Open your ears and shut your mouth.
17. Generally speaking, I like Mexico and China and Thailand, but we need to make more of our own stuff.
18. When it comes to food and nutrition, conventional wisdom is killing us. Visit www.marksdailyapple.com.
19. Music…I don’t know even where to start.  MTV was once ground breaking and is now soul crushing.  JJ Jackson would be mortified.
20. If you’re reading this you’re better off than most people in the world. It’s all well and good to be passionate about what you believe in, but let’s keep this all in perspective.

I look forward to your intelligent, tolerant, and well thought-out comments.

Now, I just need a cape and a theme song…

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photo: andrewbain/ flickr

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